One of THOSE days.

I have to write about today. Today was one of those days that changes your life. It was one of those days where you feel like everything is right with the world - or at least that everything will be okay. It restores your faith in humanity, and you feel a sense of inner peace.

It was one of THOSE days. 

Yesterday began my first day as a member of the staff at the soon-to-be opening Atlanta Birth Center. I arrived a little early to our training because of camp-drop off early in the morning. As I was helping get ready for the day, I got to take a peak into the three birth rooms. They are based on the elements - water, earth, and fire. The rooms are spacious, roomy, and thoughtfully designed by members of the birth community. My favorite piece is wall canvas in the fire room that says,

"Some women fear the fire. Some women simply become it." 

-R.H. Sin

Although the canvas was placed there to inspire birthing mothers, I think it also speaks about the women who have come together to form this amazing place. It especially reminds me of Anjli Hinman, the midwife whose deeply burning fire (and insane amount of work) birthed this gift to the City of Atlanta and all its surrounding areas. Her fire, and her passion let loose a tiny ember 5 years ago as she stood by my side and attended the birth of my daughter. That ember lit a smoldering fire within me - one that recently ignited.

This morning, on our second day together, Anjli handed out cards and asked us to write three things:

1) Our dream/goal (professionally) for 1 year from now

2) Any fears about this new situation

3) What drives us

As we went around the room and shared what we had written, the nods of understanding, the compassion, and the true appreciation for what was being shared was beyond anything I have ever experienced. In other places I have worked, there have been 1 or 2, or maybe even 5 people who had this level of passion for the job they were chosen for and the people they served, but as this intense desire to provide exceptional, holistic care was shared among EVERYONE (even administrative and billing staff were involved in this exercise) you could feel the walls becoming permeated by loving energy. 

It was one of THOSE moments.

I have never in my life sat in a room as I felt the world changing, quite literally, as we spoke. With every intention shared and every bit of love that was spoken, we all took the first steps together to make big changes for the future of this community. I have never before been among a group of women where every.single.person shared such a deep desire to not only provide a safe and loving community for the women and families we serve, but also a community for each other.

Here are a few pictures from our training.... please enjoy!

Anjli welcoming the staff in the future family waiting area

Reviewing the mission, vision, and goals

Reviewing birth pools 

Labor support techniques

Postpartum hemorrhage drill led by Crystal and Erin (two of the midwives)

Learning how to assemble a condom tamponade

Christy (RN) assisted Crystal

Crystal demonstrates how it is inserted

Watching it inflate inside our model "vagina"

The last thing we did today was a really wonderful bonding exercise that involved us writing an attribute we loved or appreciated about our coworkers on a card on their backs. When we were done we practiced saying them out loud and internalizing them.

Sandi, our nurse manager

Anjli

This was my card. It gave me pause, and things to think about.

Although there is still a lot of work to do and our training isn't over (we still have another day this week), today made such an impact on me. I've been following the evolution of Atlanta Birth Center since I found out about it in 2011. Back then, it was just a dream. I dabbled a little here and there, attending a couple benefit functions - a red tent with Mayim Bialik and a presentation of Birth by Karen Brody and helping man an information booth at a parenting expo. I knew all along that even if the birth center opened before I was done having children I wouldn't qualify to birth there as a VBAC mother, but that never mattered. The drive was always there for me to support this as an option for women, because it was something that I never had available to me. And as I said in the letter I wrote to support the application for the certificate of need - I would have been first in line to deliver my first baby at a birth center if one had been in existence in 2009.

I never dreamed that I would be invited to be a part of the team providing this option to families. I am beyond grateful to have had the experiences in my life that led me to this place. I can't ever say it enough how much birth can change the world - for good or for bad. Just look at me! My terrible experience with my first child led me to the most amazing, empowering experience with my second (and subsequent births). But not only that, it led me to an amazing woman with a vision of changing the world - and she has invited me along! I'm soaking up every bit of wisdom from these amazing care providers, and I look forward to learning from the mothers, babies, and families whose stories are soon to be told within these walls.

Maybe one day I'll get to be a student midwife here....wouldn't that just be amazing?

Application Day!

Almost exactly 5 years after I realized that I wanted to be a midwife, my application to Frontier Nursing University is finally on its way! I sent it out on Thursday, June 2, and according to the post office website, it arrived yesterday at 8;47 AM. 

Nerves.

I probably sent twenty (or more) emails back and forth to my assigned admission officer between last Fall and now. Is this the right class? Am I giving you the right information? Have I done everything I can do?

And the essays...

They shouldn't have been difficult, but for some reason I had a hard time. I'm a great writer - people tell me that all the time. I even like re-reading my own stuff (ok, except maybe when I use words like 'stuff'' that make me sounds very un-sophisticated ). I had multiple people proof-read my essays to make sure they were grammatically correct, focused, and answered the questions. I'm very grateful that I made a friend in Vanessa, a FNU midwifery grad and current DNP student. She has been amazingly helpful!

So now, we wait. The collective we. When I posted the above picture on Facebook on Thursday, forty-one people "liked" it. Hopefully I will have good news to share with them soon!

What's it mean?

It took me a long time to come up with the name for this blog. Even now, the title is somewhat unclear. To me, there are two ways of reading it:

 Midwife My Life

By reading it exactly how it's written (which is the primary way I want it to be read), the word "midwife" is read as a verb. According to Merriam Webster, the definition is as follows:                                  

midwife

verb mid·wife          

  to assist in producing, bringing forth, or bringing about

If you look at this definition, the blog is about bringing forth my life - it's purpose, the journey itself, the stories. I feel like that's the main point of this blog, to chronicle my experiences. I believe that by sharing my story, others can be inspired (and maybe even learn something). Sharing our stories brings the world together and helps us relate to one another. This is something I feel is a big part of the work of a midwife.

 

The second way to look at the title is "Midwife: My Life". One day, when I can officially call myself a midwife, this will probably be more appropriate.

 

So for now, let's use midwife as a verb and allow this blog to assist with my personal growth on this path to becoming a midwife!



Why here? Why now?

And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye

Today's the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on

And learn how to face my fears

Love with all of my heart, make my mark

I wanna leave something here

- Rascal Flatts

I've been meaning to start writing in this blog since I made the decision to go back to school a few many months ago. You know what got in the way? Life. I mean, there is clearly extra time in the day when you have 4 kids (ages 6, 4 5, 3, and 8 12 mon), homeschool, work almost full time, lead a cub scout den, hangout on a budget forum, and do countless other things. Oh, and Facebook. It sucks up a lot of my time. (And this last semester I was busy with a statistics course.) I've thought of a million things to come here and write about, but just never got around to it. Well.... I'm done with that. I'm here, NOW. I have so many things I want to say, but I think it will be easier on everyone for me to break it down into a few different posts.

For now, I'd like to reference the above quote from Rascal Flatts' "When the Sand Runs Out":

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

In reality, this could probably be said about any day. Every day gives us the opportunity to change, evolve, and grow.

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on

And learn how to face my fears

 But today - today feels like I walked through a door and I'm not looking back. I'm preparing to embark on a journey that will change.my.life. I have evolved so dramatically in the last 7 years or so, that my old self wouldn't recognize the current me. Thankfully, the love of my life has been on board throughout the entire transformation. He's quite the keeper!

I used to be afraid. I had a lot of anxiety about not being good enough or smart enough to take care of people. It's funny that I felt that way because I'm really smart. I graduated first in my class in paramedic school, and second in my class (by 0.001) in nursing school. When a topic interests me, I can pull information from my brain like it's nothing. And yet, I was afraid. And because I lacked confidence in myself, I was a terrible paramedic. I was smart, and I took good care of people, but I only did what I *had* to do. And I'm a great nurse, but I never was interested in learning about the critical care aspects of emergency nursing. Except cardiology - it made sense to me, and so I was good at it. Good at the medications, and good at reading EKGs.

***
UPDATE:
I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. I started it back in the Fall of 2015. I know that I was looking for a good way to start this blog. So here it is:

I just finished the required updated statistics course, I'm waiting for one more letter of recommendation and I have one more essay to finish before I can submit my application in a couple weeks. I'm scared, nervous, excited, and can't freakin' wait - all at the same time. In a week, I will celebrate 5 years since I discovered midwifery was in my heart, and I look forward to that now being the anniversary of when I send off my application.

So here's to the journey that lies ahead.... and now, back to my neonatal resuscitation class....